With gas prices predicted to reach a record high of 7 bajillion dollars per gallon by the end of this year, Americans all over America (insert: the country) are asking “What can I do to save money on gas?”
Well, nobody asked me, but I’ve got smart-alecky answers anyway. Who am I?
I’m Aaron Rushton. I’m your humor columnist.
A lot of fuss has been made lately about alternative fuel sources, as if that’s just magically going to solve all our problems. I don’t know about you, but everything I’ve ever heard about alternative lifestyle choices has just pretty much amounted to bad news.
You see, the problem is not that gasoline and other petroleum products are being depleted and becoming rarer-er, it’s just that gasoline suddenly became very collectible. Just like Furbies, Tickle-Me Elmo, Ty Beanie Babies, Tamagotchi virtual pets, pogs and slap bracelets were all the crazes of yesteryear, so gasoline has become today.
Soccer moms across the country (football moms in other parts of the world) have become obsessed with this latest trend, paying sometimes upwards of 50 dollars just for a tank of gas they’ll use once, maybe take around town to show their friends, and then it will simply be a fading memory, signified by nothing more than a scrawl in the checkbook.
But soon enough the crazy fad-hoppers will realize that gasoline isn’t really ever going to get them anywhere in life, and it’s really just taking up space on the bookshelf. They’ll lose interest with the once-so-cool unleaded fuel and turn their attentions elsewhere, to whatever the next fad may be. (A brief side note: experts predict this next fad will be old VHS recordings of the television Columbo mysteries, starring Peter Falk. Just a heads-up for all you eBay hounds.)
But what to do in the meantime, while demand is still skyrocketing due to short-sighted collectors?
For starters, don’t drive anywhere unless you’re planning on getting more than one thing done. Take my situation, for example. I could simply drive to Little Rock each week to go to the comic book store, but that’s only getting one thing done. Since I’m already in Little Rock, why don’t I get a few other things done? I’ve been meaning to go to Best Buy and look for a few movies, so this has already saved me a trip! Also, I’m hoping to drive to Palo Alto, California, for Spring Break, and since I’m already out in Little Rock, it’d be a waste of gas to do all the driving back to Searcy, since that’s the direction I came from, not the direction I want to go! So, to conserve gas, try to consolidate trips. Never make three if you can make just one.
Along that same line of thinking, I heartily recommend carpooling and ride-sharing. If you’re going to be driving out to a church in Judsonia on Sunday morning, find friends who are going, too. Either ride with them or give them a ride. That way everybody saves gas. Or if you and a “special someone” are going to Little Rock for a romantic evening out, find another dating couple and give them a ride. Even if you don’t know anybody who wants to get in your smelly car with you and mess up their hair on your nasty sagging upholstery, hit them over the head with your tire iron and throw them in the back seat anyway. Having more people in the car improves gas mileage. Or something.
So far, I’ve mentioned two ways to save money just by conserving gasoline. But there are options that don’t involve gasoline at all. Did you know that horses do not require any gasoline to run at maximum efficiency? Or oil changes? Or brake pads? Now, I fully realize that learning to ride a horse is a difficult and time-consuming thing, and not everybody’s got the time, ability, or willingness to confront an animal with really long teeth. As if these barriers weren’t enough to overcome, horses are apparently pretty expensive. Not like brand-new-car expensive, but pretty expensive anyway. So my alternative suggestion is easy: cattle. They’re just as maintenance-free as horses, they run on grass, and can hold plenty more people than horses. Think of them as natural agrarian SUVs. Except my Suburban doesn’t make milk.
If riding a cow isn’t your cup of tea (or if you think it’s just a load of bull! Ha! Cow! Bull! Joke!) , there are other methods of transportation simply waiting to be explored and exploited by the too-lazy-to-walk-to-Memphis masses. According to some interweb site I found on the world net wide net, the U.S. Army once did a bunch of tests back in the early 60’s where they tried to fire rockets into space from really big guns. It really didn’t work too well as far as the space thing goes, but you could still be a human cannonball. Have you seen how cheap gunpowder is these days? And it’s really easy to set up, too.
But hey, this isn’t all there is to modern transportation. What about rocket bikes? Or speed vitamins? Or wearing a pair of roller skates with a battery-powered fan on your back blowing into a rudimentary sail fashioned from a few sticks and some construction paper? These and many more are perfectly valid ideas. You may be thinking “Hey, Aaron, weren’t these all gimmicks used by Wile E. Coyote to try to catch the Road Runner, only to fail miserably and cause terrible pain and harm to his body?” Well, yeah! But the big difference here is: he’s a cartoon!
AARON RUSHTON is the humor columnist for The Bison and may be reached at AaronRushton@gmail.com. Meep-Meep.