Hey there, loyal readers! And just so you don’t feel left out, hello to you, also, not-at-all-loyal readers! It’s nice to know that if my back’s up against the wall, you certainly won’t be there to bail me out.
This week’s column was going to be an in-depth analysis of the mysteries of the relationships, both professional and romantic, between members of 70’s funk & soul powerhouse Average White Band and the original cast of “The Golden Girls”, but there was an absolute flood of things that weren’t comic books coming into my mailbox this week. “What were these non-comic-book things?” you may be asking. Well, letters from my readers, duh. As if they could be anything else. Honestly! Do I seem like the kind of guy who gets any type of mail that is anything but comic books and letters from readers? Of course not. Silly you for asking such a question. So this week, I’m going to be taking some time off to answer questions from my readers. Let’s get started.

Dear Aaron,
My fiancée and I are having a really big fight right now, and I think it’s a completely dumb thing to fight about. I want to get married in my home church, with friends and family in attendance, wearing a traditional wedding dress, with all the men in nice tuxedoes and my bridesmaids in light pink dresses. I want the service to be performed by my old preacher, and I want our reception to be held in the same little country restaurant where my older sister had her reception.
He wants to get married at a KISS concert, wearing jeans and a faded KISS ARMY t-shirt with his face painted like Gene Simmons. He then wants our reception to be held at some motorcycle bar called “Devil’s Heaven”. What should I do?
Jessica

Well, Jessica, I’m no relationship expert, but I am an expert on good taste in music. For starters, you’re making the mistake of agreeing to marry a KISS fan. I think you’re failing to understand the immediacy of the problem here. This isn’t just some cheesy band that should have retired their guitar strings before they were 40, this is KISS. It’s far worse. Do you really want your children raised in a house with a KISS fan? KISS fans have been known to carry communicable diseases such as mouth-breathing, excessive hairspray use, and lowered IQ. For the safety of your family and yourself, you should call off the wedding, break up with your fiancée, and seriously consider a restraining order. Beating him a few times, with a big stick, about the head and neck region, savagely and without mercy wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.

Aaron, my man,
A few months ago I met a girl who I thought was really awesome. She was really cute, which is totally awesome. We were talking about some really awesome stuff and then she asked me if I wanted to go to Waffle House. So I’m thinking “Awesome!” Well, then we got to Waffle House and I started looking at the menu and realized something that is definitely not at all awesome. I don’t know what to order. When I’m here with my totally awesome buddies, I normally just order a couple waffles, since they’re awesome at Waffle House, but this time I was worried that if I just ordered the waffles, she’d think I was predictable and lame, and that would not be awesome. So I was looking at the pork chops. I think pork chops are awesome, but I don’t want to spend all of my money. I figured, hey, Aaron’s a fat guy, he ought to know how to help me out, right? That’d be awesome, man!
Hungry at the House

OK, first off, you’re not a KISS fan by any chance, are you? Secondly, I’m pretty sure any girl that’s voluntarily agreed to come to Waffle House with you doesn’t have the mental facilities necessary to think that someone is either predictable or lame, so I don’t think you’ve got to worry about that. Just be yourself and she’ll think you’re totally awes… great.

aaron i think i have food poisoning help
Well, in that situation, the best thing to do is to try to identify the food that you… wait! What are you doing writing me a letter? How is this supposed to help? Get to a hospital!

Aaron,
If train (A) leaves Chicago, IL at 5:30 AM central standard time traveling at an average speed of 55 MPH east towards Philadelphia, PA, and another train (B) leaves Philadelphia at 12:15 PM eastern standard time traveling at an average speed of 110 KPH west towards Chicago, at what time and in what state will the two trains meet? I’ve got a heroin shipment I’m trying to get Jimmy Hoffa's body (instead of heroin shipment) out of the country and I need to know when I can meet up with my
partner.

Am I allowed to answer that?