Italics means edit. I think I got everything, but I'm not sure... They cut a lot.

The World Wide Waste

The internet is really, really, really big.
The internet is also really, really, really stupid.
That’s pretty much all I’ve learned since 1998. I’ve used EarthLink, I’ve used AOL, I’ve used Sprint, I’ve used Juno, and I’ve used about 15 different internet companies that don’t even exist anymore. I’ve seen pop-up ads for Beanie Baby websites, I’ve received spam e-mail for spam-blocker programs, and I’ve gone to lame Geocities with some annoying song looping in the background, just to be asked to pass it on to 15 or more of my closest friends and family to prove that I love God, knowing that if I delete this 259K e-mail, the Devil himself is going to come to my house and kiss my little sister.
All these things have been brought forth for one simple reason, and that is to teach me that the internet is really, really, really big, and really, really, really stupid.
And I suppose this is a little unfair of me to say, what with characterizing an entire system of interlinked servers and computers and users and hubs and alloys and compositions and things with molecular structures as just plan big and stupid, but it is an inescapable truth.
But why is the internet stupid? I am so glad I asked.
To answer this question, I must first explain something that not necessarily everybody already knows. The internet does not actually exist. The internet is not a thing that manifests itself physically somewhere in the wilds of Outer Mongolia. Instead, it is merely a never-ending network of computers all hooked up to each other. These computers are also hooked up to stupid people. And so, I reiterate. The internet is stupid.
If you ever feel like you’re getting more than your money’s worth here at Harding, hit up the internet for a little while. If you ever feel like your brain is becoming too smart for your own good, hop into a chat room for a minute or 30. You actually feel your intelligence slowly slipping away from you, as if it were magically being siphoned from between your ears by the cathode rays of your computer monitor.
For those of you who don’t want to wind up gouging your eyes out with your keyboards, let me go ahead and report my findings. I’ve built up immunity to stupid, so I’ve done all the dumb work for you.
There are several groups of people on the internet, all of them equally not-smart. Among the chiefs of the clan of stupid are those who seem to think that capital letters irrefutably equate importance, authority, and credibility, no matter how grammatically eccentric their messages may be. For example, let’s just say I’m on a message board about comic books. I know that seems absolutely unfathomable, but let’s just pretend.
I might be posting whatever humble opinion I have in a calm and gentle manner, complete with punctuation and functional grammar as well as a generous helping of lower case letters. So what’s the first thing that gets posted in response?
YOU ARE WRONG THAT IS NOTRI GHT I THINK YOU ARE DUMB THAT IS THE DUMBST THING I HAVE HEY YOU DUMB
This is, of course, a perfectly valid and unstoppable argument against whatever it was I said in the first place.
While the constant-caps thing can get annoying at times, I think a step up on the tick-me-off ladder is the class of people online who are very simply one-track minds.
Please don’t misunderstand me. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” and “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” are both excellently funny films, and I am a fan of both. From the Time Warp to the Great Black Beast of Arrrrrrrgh!, I’m with it. But I do think that there might be a better way to waste valuable bandwidth than yet another collection of sound bits from either of these movies – Ghostbusters webpages, for instance. A far superior movie, yet horribly underrepresented on the hullabaloo of dork that we call the internet.
I think the worst thing is when people feel that simply because they are online, they must be excessively profane. And it’s not just that they’re typing in vulgarities, they’re putting said vulgarities in places that don’t really make a lot of sense. Bear with me, gentle reader, and I shall demonstrate.
I #@$%& think #@$%& the worst thing #@$%& is when #@$%& #@$%& #@$%& people feel #@$%& that #@$%& #@$%& simply #@$%& because they #@$%& are on#@$%&line, they must #@$%& be excessively #@$%& profane, #@$%&.
Feel free to pronounce “#@$%&” as “BEEP!” That’s what I’m doing.
OK, you know what? I’ve been thinking, and I’ve realized that the absolute worst possibility would be a combination of all three of these: some big-letters-only idiot with a fixation on some 70’s cult flick and a penchant for profanity.
HEY DID YOU #@$%& THINK THAT #@$%& SHARKY’S MACHINE WITH #@$%& BURT #@$%& REYNOLDS #@$%& WAS GOOD IT WAS #@$%& GOOD BECAUSE #@$%& BURT #@$%& REYNOLDS #@$%& WAS IN IT BECAUSE BURT REYNOLDS I MEAN #@$%& BURT #@$%& REYNOLDS #@$%& IS ONLY IN GOOD MOVIES AND HE WAS IN #@$%& DELIVERANCE AND DELIVERANCE IS #@$%& BUT IN A GOOD WAY
I think I need to boil my computer now.
Aaron Rushton is the humor columnist for the Bison, which gives you all the reason in the world to not take him seriously. Aaron can be reached at (501)305-8453, by e-mailing AaronRushton@hotmail.com, or at campus box 14613. Offer not valid in IN or OR.