Apologies and time machines hard to come by

This article probably isn’t going to be that funny, just so you know.
Well, OK, it will be funny, but that’s just because I can’t write anything serious for more than two sentences. However, this article is not being written with the express reason of being funny. So, for those of you who only read my articles for funny stuff, I present to you a joke.
A baker put two muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says “Wow, it sure is hot in here.”
The other muffin says “Holy cow! A talking muffin!”
OK, now some hopefully thought-provoking slightly serious stuff.
I’m only 20 years old, but I’d like to think I’ve been able to gather a fair bit of wisdom in those 20 years. Here’s one I learned not too long ago. If you ever get that weird desire to stick things like tongues in places like electric sockets, you should avoid that impulse. Trust me.
If I ever manage to get my time machine working, I’m telling you right now, all I would ever do is perpetually go back to about five minutes ago and smack myself over the back of the head for being such an idiot.
I know we all make mistakes, and I know we all have bad days, but sometimes I think the Grand Universal Committee for Appointing Mistakes and Bad Days has a system that operates on two principles: 1) Never give anyone more than they can handle. 2) Aaron Rushton gets really fidgety and is fun to watch when he’s really stressed out, so give him as much as he can handle.
By the way, when I say “bad days”, I don’t mean “flat tires and weddings” bad days, I mean “Wow, I’m a real doofus” bad days. Days where it seems I have become a mistake-making dynamo. If anything went wrong, yep, it was me!
The worst thing about making a mistake is not that I have yet again proved that I am human, but that too often in my mistakes I let down somebody I care about. Letting somebody down is never a pleasant experience, but the one that’s even worse is when I hurt somebody I care about. I seem to be pretty adept at doing that, sometimes.
You ever have those days where it seems like your best course of action would just be to get a horse and go live up in the mountains somewhere and not bother people? Boy son howdy, let me tell you what… I sure do. It seems sometimes like the best way to deal with people is to just completely avoid them.
But of course, we both (I say both because I assume there’s only one person reading this article right now) know that that’s not really the BEST way to deal with people… It’s just the easiest, the cheapest, and the most cowardly.
The best way to deal with people is just to love them as you love yourself. (Man, that’s good… Somebody ought to make that, like, a rule… or something…)
I wish it were easier to apologize for mistakes. I wish it were easier to rebuild burnt bridges and mend broken hearts and patch up wounds. I wish it were easier to know exactly what I did to hurt somebody’s feelings, or scare them, or just know whatever it was I did that was bad.
I also wish it were easier to gain complete control over time and space so I could go back and undo every dumb, pointless, trite, inane, meaningless, and/or hurtful thing I’ve ever done.
But I can’t do that, so I guess I’ll just have to resign myself over to trusting in everybody else on this planet to have a bit of sympathy for their fellow human being, realize that nobody’s perfect and that I am about as far removed from being nobody as possible.
And even if they don’t, I’ll just have to move on anyway.
There’s a little saying on the board in the Cone Hall lobby that reads “Would the boy you were be proud of the man you are becoming?” Fortunately, I can answer that with a resounding yes! The boy I was would be nuts about the guy I am now, and would think the man I’m planning on being would be pretty awesome, too. For starters, I’ve got toys, I’ve got comic books, and my TV never leaves Cartoon Network. After that, I’m big. When I was a kid, big was almost instantly equated with awesome. Dad: big and awesome. Uncle Bill: big and awesome. He-Man, Optimus Prime, and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man: all big, all awesome.
But hopefully, the boy I was wouldn’t necessarily be able to figure out that even big awesome guys like me still make mistakes, still hurt people’s feelings, and still have to apologize. So let me say it now, to cover as many bases as I can. I, Aaron Jacob Rushton, am sorry for every goof-up I’ve ever made, especially if I hurt you or your feelings.
Oh, and look! Aaron Rushton just apologized for something and it’s already in the newspaper!

Aaron Rushton is a humor columnist for the Bison, and everything he says should be taken with a very large and very sarcastic grain of salt. He can be reached at (501)305-8453, or by e-mailing AaronRushton@hotmail.com. Act now and receive a free order of french fries.