New foreign campus a HUMDINGER

It's 2004 and (much to the chagrin of Jack Van Impe Ministries and the rest of the TBN Prime-Time lineup) we're still here.
I have no problem with the fact that God chose to tarry a bit longer, mind you. Nor would I be too drastically upset if He decided to do the big eternal trumpet blast now.
Or now. Like now-now.
Now... onto the article.
First off I’d like to welcome back everybody who has been gone to HUF, HUG, HUA, HULA, HUE, and wherever else you might have all been off to. Good to have you back.
On that note, I’d like to say that I have been given the distinctive honor of informing the Harding University campus at large of the new Campus Abroad programs we’ll be starting up within the next few years.
We already know about HUG – Harding University Greece, and we know HUE – Harding University England, and we know HUA – Harding University Australia. There’s also Harding University Florence, HUF, and Harding University Latin America, HULA, our newest campus off-campus.
Well, starting hopefully in the fall semester of 2005, we’re going to be sending the first group of Harding students and staff to HUM – Harding University Mexico! Just remember, you can get baptized in the water, but don’t drink it.
In a few years time, once the intricate workings and technicalities of the international relations are worked out, we also hope to be able to set up a permanent campus abroad in the former Russian Bloc countries in Eastern Europe. The definitive city has not been chosen, but the nation for this new campus has, and that nation will be Estonia. So, since there has not been a chosen city, it’s tentatively being called Harding University Greater Estonia – HUGE.
In an effort to promote a broader sense of worldwide cultural and geographical awareness, Harding is beginning a new school-sponsored educational sight-seeing tour to cover most of continental Europe, Biblical Asia, and Northern Africa. This tour will hopefully be a thorough survey of important features of the Old World that have not been fortunate enough to receive extensive attention from movies, TV, or art. This program will in itself be considered a 3 hour global literacy course, will only be offered during summers, and will be called Harding’s Other Landmarks You Might’ve OverLooked Yourself – HOLY MOLY.
A study that often goes unnoticed at Harding University is arctic mountaineering. With already sub-zero temperatures at the base of the mountain and the mercury only falling as altitude increases, this particular activity takes weeks, even months to learn. For this very reason Harding University is proud to announce the new campus entirely centered around this very purpose! Harding University Mount Dyorksinsnaufendendergronden In Northern Greenland’s Eastern Region – HUMDINGER. (By the way, Mount Dyorksinsnaufendendergronden was so named by the Viking explorer Erik the Red, and loosely translated from the Nordic means “Wow. That’s really cold. You’d have to be stupid to climb it.”)
Recognizing a gaping absence of Harding University presence in the Southeast Asian corner of the world, the University plans to open a new campus/bunker just outside the demilitarized zone of South Korea. HUSK will help students prepare themselves for a life in the real world, provided that life involves the constant threat of nuclear aggression from the northern peninsula.
Turning our collegiate compass homeward a little bit, even though it still points North no matter where it’s turned, we notice new plans for domestic campuses (campi?) other than the Searcy campus. With the success of the Harding University Graduate School in Memphis, TN, the University has commenced researching a few more locations on American soil. The first on the list is an attempt to bring the presence of a major Church of Christ school to New England. Harding University Eden, Vermont Obstreperous School (HUEVOS) will be just as much the Christian university as the Searcy campus is, but will adapt to its new surroundings, as do all the foreign programs. Offering classes in Talking Way Too Fast (foreign language credit), Liking the Yankees (Kinesiology credit), and Making Fun of New Jersey (global literacy), HUEVOS will remind Harding students that yes, life really is better in the South. HUEVOS was originally meant to be HUMP (Harding University Morrilton, Pennsylvania), but apparently HUMP was too much of an innuendo.
Last, but not least, Harding University is making great strides to implement a freshwater marine biology program, but to do that, you need a lot of freshwater. Not to worry! Harding’s new campus takes advantage of the abundance of lakes and rivers in the Ohio River Valley, specifically in the Mid-Kentucky area. I am proud to announce Harding’s first mobile campus, the Harding University Central Kentucky Lake Edward/Bald Eagle River Research Yacht – HUCKLEBERRY. The HUCKLEBERRY is a sailing classroom with plenty of opportunity to learn about the ecosystem of the freshwaters of America. Also available aboard the HUCKLEBERRY – Fishing 101.
Well, I certainly hope this has been an informative trip for you. I know it’s been downright exhausting for me.

Aaron Rushton is the humor columnist for The Bison, and everything he says should be taken with a very large and very sarcastic grain of salt. He can be reached at (501)305-8453, or by e-mailing AaronRushton@hotmail.com. Aaron Rushton is ™, ©, and ® his parents.