It's been a really long time since I've had to say it, so here's a reminder. If it's in italics, it was edited from the final release of the paper.

As far as scents go, Aaron 'nose'

Let's face it: unless he has an untrained dog, no man is completely willingly going to buy an air freshener. You may be asking yourself why this is so. Well fret not, gentle reader! Your Harding University Bison's very own hardnosed investigative humor columnist Aaron Rushton has the answer.
Air fresheners are manufactured entirely with women in mind. Guys don't actively seek out things that make their room smell good. Before I'm barraged with contradictions from any guys reading this article, read me out. I will gladly concede to you that men use air fresheners, but only to cover or remove bad smells that are already there. I will admit, without hesitation, that a big ol' pile of dirty laundry can generate an equally big ol' pile of funkiness. This is where air fresheners come in. To be entirely truthful, in a man's hands, an "air freshener" becomes more of an "air un-stink-ener".
A big reason guys don't exactly go in for aerosol smell-good is because it just smells sissy to us, more often than not. I'm not saying I don't enjoy the smell of a good pine forest, but some of the scents Lysol and Renuzit and Febreze and those other companies come up with are a bit... well... out there.
For instance, I am a fan of vanilla, but I'm not so sure I'd want it as a spray in my room. The same can be said for "Springtime Freshness", whatever that is. I'm all for the pleasant gentle aroma of flowers blooming and grass growing, March through June, but I'm not exactly sold on having my spring air in a can that makes "pssssshhhhh" noises.
And what in the world is "Original" supposed to smell like? Everybody's got an "Original" scent. Lysol brand spray disinfectant cleaner, Original Scent. Febreze fabric refresher, Original Scent. Pledge wood polish, Original Scent. Swiffer dust mop, Original Scent. McDonald's two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun, Original Scent. SBC Arkansas Searcy Smart Yellow Pages Area Code 501 June 2003 Issue, Original Scent. Original Scent is all over the place, and it's just crazy.
So what are big companies like SC Johnson Wax, Johnson & Johnson, NC & SC, or whoever that company is that makes the little air freshener things in the bathrooms that spray out the pink goo every once in a while doing?
Nothing. They are doing absolutely nothing. They're sitting around in their white lab coats and thick horn-rimmed black glasses pouring red liquids into beakers with blue liquids and watching it change into a yellow liquid that puts out a green smoke that kinda smells almost a little bit sorta like a wilted buttercup.
But don't worry! Here at Aaron Rushton Labs, we never stop working for you. I know, I know, you're all impressed that I can not only be a hardnosed investigative reporter but can also be a chemist that never took chemistry, but no job is too big for my loyal readers.
I'm hard at work developing a line of air fresheners specifically designed for me. I mean, men.
First on the list, and a personal favorite of mine, is the Philly Cheese Steak aerosol. Thin sliced sirloin on a toasted hoagie bun, with Swiss cheese, sautéed onions, peppers, and mushrooms... all in a spray can, releasing a gentle Deli-fresh mist into the air.
Other scents available include Nachos (complete with fresh cut jalapenos, refried beans, and fresh ground beef), Pizza (in five varieties: cheese, sausage, pepperoni, supreme, and anchovy, which tested surprisingly well among cat owners), and AstroTurf.
Not only are air fresheners highly marketed towards women, shampoos, soaps, aftershaves, and colognes are all designed with women in mind. This is perfectly understandable as I am much more concerned about how Courtney thinks I smell than I am concerned about how Carl thinks I smell.
But still, I think we could stand some equality between the sexes in the personal hygiene aisles of Wal-Mart. For instance, my Herbal Essences shampoo says it has iris and chamomile in it. I don't even know what chamomile is. I would assume it is some sort of flower, but as long as it makes my hair manageably soft and smooth, I really don't care.
Clairol, the company that produces the Herbal Essences line, has caught on to the lack of male consumers they have, and are introducing a new line to be called Carnal Essences. Steak & Potatoes, Mesquite BBQ, and Fried Catfish will be in the initial wave of products, and, depending on success, will be followed by Chili Dogs, Grilled Ham & Cheese, and Bacon Cheese Double Whopper.
Now, as far as aftershaves and colognes go, I really don't care if my aftershave or cologne smells like food. Again, it's not for my enjoyment. I want to smell attractive to my girl, and not necessarily anybody else. However, if my girl were to show up for a date with a few drops of Garlic Tabasco behind her ear, I'm certainly going to be a happy man.
I'm sure you've noticed that this has pretty much been all food. Well, you know what they say... The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. So if you have to use his nose to get to his stomach, I suppose that will still work.

Aaron Rushton is the humor columnist for The Bison, and everything he says should be taken with a very large and very sarcastic grain of salt. He can be reached at (501)305-8453, or by e-mailing AaronRushton@hotmail.com. Your mileage may vary.