Spring Sing is fine time for rhyme

If you’re just here for Spring Sing, this is a funny thing. I was going to do an article about a helium particle, but my study of the matter left me mad as a hatter. I thought it might be funny to do some gags about money, but then I came to realize I’m very fiscally unwise.
So now, like some Muppet song, I’m just moving right along. Thoughts of stories flood my mind, humorous topics of every kind. I have to stop griping and I have to start typing. Inspiration shall come, or maybe it shan’t. I might even write about the stain on my pant.
Spring time is here, the trees are now green! “Amore” is in the air, know what I mean? Everyone’s crazy now that the flowers are out. Love makes us nuts, that I don’t doubt. Guys spend their money on ridiculous things, like really big chocolates and really small rings. Girls send their clubs all into a tizzy, ring ceremonies make everyone dizzy. Engagement is nice, and I’m sure marriage is great, but what’s a guy got to do just to get a simple date? I shower twice daily, and my hair’s pretty nice. I just want a burger, not wedding vows and rice!
Hey, sometimes you lose and sometimes you win. What can I say? Single’s not a sin. Bachelor life’s alright if you know how to do it. Take it from me, there’s really nothing to it. Girls can be good company, believe me! It’s true! But guys, there’s nothing wrong with spending your money on YOU.
Please don’t think I’m bitter, I promise, I’m not. I’ve been flirting with a chick that I think is really hot. Things aren’t quite working out, and that’s quite alright. I get to keep my money every other Friday night.
On to a different subject, pulled randomly from a hat! Presidential Elections, what do you think of that?
I’m a fan of President Bush; I think John Kerry’s a little weird. But you know who I would really like? A man named Frank Beard. If you’re not familiar with him, just sit right back and read. I’m his political consultant, I’ll tell you everything you need.
Mr. Beard is a drummer – he holds a drumstick in each hand. He’s a talented musician from a little Texas rock band. With guitarist Billy Gibbons and bassist Dusty Hill, he’s in the band ZZ Top, with no small amount of skill. What’s odd about Mr. Beard, the reason he’s out of place, is that he doesn’t have that 3 feet of hair hanging on his face.
But politics is boring! It’s time to move on! Besides, my attention span is way long gone.
Q-tips are funny. This one time – my junior year – I got the little cotton swab stuck inside my ear. I was not yet in college, this was still during high school. I had to see the doctor to have my ear cleared by some tool. I missed almost half the day because of the hospital trip. I told the principal why I was out, and he absolutely flipped. He thought I’d made it up! I assured him it was true. He still didn’t believe me so he told me what to do. He said I’d need a doctor’s note to prove what I had said. He wanted it in writing that I’d had cotton in my head. I brought the note, and what do you know, I’d been truthful all along! But Coach Overton was still mad at me. For what? I did nothing wrong! I’d always thought my principal was a bit of a jerk. After all, he ran my high school. What a miserable place to work!
I don’t like to dwell on the past, so let us sally forth! I’d like to take this time to make fun of folks up north!
On second thought that might not be the nicest thing to do. Don’t worry all you crazy Yanks, it’s nothing personal against you.
But man it sure gets hot down here, really hot, real fast! I’d sure go for another ice age, with a chilled arctic blast. I’m a pretty big guy, and I tend to be real hot. If I can’t get air conditioning I’d rather just be shot.
When it’s hot, everything’s sticky, and I move really slow. I cast my eyes heavenward and say “HOW ABOUT SOME SNOW?” And God, of course, rejects it, which is His Divine Right. I’m still really glad the temperature drops at night.
But if you’re here for Spring Sing, I hope you enjoy the show! I’m not a fan of musicals, I don’t think I will go. With the exception of The Blues Brothers, singing and dancing’s not my thing, but I have to say I was really surprised when I heard Dan Aykroyd sing. He was Ray Stantz in Ghostbusters, my all-time favorite flick. Did you know that he’s Canadian? His accent’s not too thick.
I hope you liked this article, it was a hassle just to write. The problem with this column is that it keeps me up at night. I have to do something funny each and every time. I certainly hope you noticed that I made this one have words that sounded the same.

Aaron Rushton is the humor columnist for The Bison, and everything he says should be taken with a very large and very sarcastic grain of salt. He can be reached at (501)305-8453, or by e-mailing AaronRushton@hotmail.com. HA! YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY “RHYME”, DIDN’T YOU? BOY DID YOU EVER GO FOR IT! THE OLD MAKE-THEM-THINK-I-WAS-GOING-TO-SAY-ONE-WORD-BUT-THEN-NOT-SAY-THAT-WORD TRICK! HA!