I heard the funniest joke the other day, and I want to tell it to all of you. You can repeat this when you go home for the summer. Here goes:
“A man walked into a bar, feeling pretty lonely. Then he drank himself dangerously close to oblivion, trying to solve his problems by drowning in a bottle, causing serious damage to not only his liver but also his spirit.”
OK, so maybe it’s not so much “funniest joke” as it is “altogether too true account of what happens to a lot of people in the world”. It’s easy to get those two confused sometimes.
There’s something in the human condition that makes us put up a front of invulnerability. For the most part, none of us are super eager to tell everybody around us what we’re dealing with deep down. Sure, we’ll complain about the 15 page paper that’s due in a week. Moaning and groaning about bad food in the caf? Not a problem. But telling somebody that we’re spending our nights feeling miserable because we feel like nobody cares… well… that’s not really anybody’s strong suit, as far as I’ve found.
How in the name of Darryl E. Strawberry does somebody – anybody – get ignored on this campus? I understand that not everybody can be the most popular person in a dorm. Not everybody can be a host or hostess for Spring Sing. Not everybody can have their own column in the newspaper. That’s simply a fact of population density. If there were only 20 of us on campus, of course we’d all know each other’s names and faces and places and bases and cases and races and I’m very sorry, I just got through reading some Dr. Seuss.
We’re at Harding University. This is a Christian campus. The goal most of us are striving towards is one of a lifestyle imitative of Christ himself. If we’re all doing that, or at least trying to, nobody here should slip through the cracks. Right?
Wrong, apparently.
On a campus of roughly 5,000+, we have far too many people who aren’t known. I know it’s not possible to know everybody on campus. But everybody on campus needs to be accepted by somebody.
Not just counting the fact that I feel like it’s basically a scam centered on matching shirts and bought friends, I really am not a fan of social clubs. I think it’s great that people can get into a group and have a good time and be accepted, but what about the people that aren’t in clubs? What about the people that can’t afford the dues? What about the people who don’t have friends?
Hey, yeah, I know, the guy always smells like popcorn butter. Go talk to him. Yeah, I know, she’s always wearing the least fashionable ensemble you’ve ever seen. Go talk to her. Be genuine. You don’t have to be interested in Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 7th edition to ask somebody if he or she is having an OK day. You don’t have to be insincere, and you don’t have to become somebody’s new best friend. But seek out the lonely, seek out those who might be outcast from society, and let them know that they are accepted. Let them know they have worth as people. Let them know that they matter to you, even if it is only your Christian love for them that is compelling you to do so.
As we wrap up another year, I submit to you a humble request. I ask only that you be good to somebody who looks like they could use it. If the first thing that comes into your mind when you see somebody sitting alone is “What a loser”, make a difference in that person’s life immediately. It’s not everyday that we find ourselves performing CPR, but it’s entirely possible that a handshake and a smile can save somebody’s life.

Hey there, loyal readers! And just so you don’t feel left out, hello to you, also, not-at-all-loyal readers! It’s nice to know that if my back’s up against the wall, you certainly won’t be there to bail me out.
This week’s column was going to be an in-depth analysis of the mysteries of the relationships, both professional and romantic, between members of 70’s funk & soul powerhouse Average White Band and the original cast of “The Golden Girls”, but there was an absolute flood of things that weren’t comic books coming into my mailbox this week. “What were these non-comic-book things?” you may be asking. Well, letters from my readers, duh. As if they could be anything else. Honestly! Do I seem like the kind of guy who gets any type of mail that is anything but comic books and letters from readers? Of course not. Silly you for asking such a question. So this week, I’m going to be taking some time off to answer questions from my readers. Let’s get started.

Dear Aaron,
My fiancée and I are having a really big fight right now, and I think it’s a completely dumb thing to fight about. I want to get married in my home church, with friends and family in attendance, wearing a traditional wedding dress, with all the men in nice tuxedoes and my bridesmaids in light pink dresses. I want the service to be performed by my old preacher, and I want our reception to be held in the same little country restaurant where my older sister had her reception.
He wants to get married at a KISS concert, wearing jeans and a faded KISS ARMY t-shirt with his face painted like Gene Simmons. He then wants our reception to be held at some motorcycle bar called “Devil’s Heaven”. What should I do?
Jessica

Well, Jessica, I’m no relationship expert, but I am an expert on good taste in music. For starters, you’re making the mistake of agreeing to marry a KISS fan. I think you’re failing to understand the immediacy of the problem here. This isn’t just some cheesy band that should have retired their guitar strings before they were 40, this is KISS. It’s far worse. Do you really want your children raised in a house with a KISS fan? KISS fans have been known to carry communicable diseases such as mouth-breathing, excessive hairspray use, and lowered IQ. For the safety of your family and yourself, you should call off the wedding, break up with your fiancée, and seriously consider a restraining order. Beating him a few times, with a big stick, about the head and neck region, savagely and without mercy wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.

Aaron, my man,
A few months ago I met a girl who I thought was really awesome. She was really cute, which is totally awesome. We were talking about some really awesome stuff and then she asked me if I wanted to go to Waffle House. So I’m thinking “Awesome!” Well, then we got to Waffle House and I started looking at the menu and realized something that is definitely not at all awesome. I don’t know what to order. When I’m here with my totally awesome buddies, I normally just order a couple waffles, since they’re awesome at Waffle House, but this time I was worried that if I just ordered the waffles, she’d think I was predictable and lame, and that would not be awesome. So I was looking at the pork chops. I think pork chops are awesome, but I don’t want to spend all of my money. I figured, hey, Aaron’s a fat guy, he ought to know how to help me out, right? That’d be awesome, man!
Hungry at the House

OK, first off, you’re not a KISS fan by any chance, are you? Secondly, I’m pretty sure any girl that’s voluntarily agreed to come to Waffle House with you doesn’t have the mental facilities necessary to think that someone is either predictable or lame, so I don’t think you’ve got to worry about that. Just be yourself and she’ll think you’re totally awes… great.

aaron i think i have food poisoning help
Well, in that situation, the best thing to do is to try to identify the food that you… wait! What are you doing writing me a letter? How is this supposed to help? Get to a hospital!

Aaron,
If train (A) leaves Chicago, IL at 5:30 AM central standard time traveling at an average speed of 55 MPH east towards Philadelphia, PA, and another train (B) leaves Philadelphia at 12:15 PM eastern standard time traveling at an average speed of 110 KPH west towards Chicago, at what time and in what state will the two trains meet? I’ve got a heroin shipment I’m trying to get Jimmy Hoffa's body (instead of heroin shipment) out of the country and I need to know when I can meet up with my
partner.

Am I allowed to answer that?