This was edited down to one-half of its original length because of space. Honestly, when you give a guy a column, can't you just tell somebody whining over something in last week's paper to shut up?

Happy belated Valentine’s Day! You know what that means, don’t you?
It means that 2005 has got a firm grip on reality and probably isn’t going anywhere for the next ten months and change.
As I was sitting in my dorm room by myself reading comics this Valentine’s Day, I thought to myself how good and pleasant it is to be in the company of people who care about you. So many of us here at Harding are blessed with close friends who help us through the daily grind, and several of us are fortunate enough to have a significant man or woman in our life to help pass the time and share the load.
But did you know that there are still single people at Harding University? Of all places! It’s sad to think about, I know. Don’t you just wish there was something that could be done to help stamp out all this mindless solitude?
Well, fret not my friends, I bring you tidings of good cheer. This week, I am setting aside my humble and lowly humor column to bring you the Harding University Personals.
These personal advertisements were all written by the people who placed them, I haven’t edited anything. For legal reasons, we can’t actually list anybody’s name, but don’t worry, we’ve made sure there’s some way to contact your potential significant other.
- HARDING MAN seeking HARDING WOMAN for just a fun relationship, nothing serious, nothing long-term. 12 carat engagement ring included. E-mail kicksngiggles@date.com
- “CHICK-FIL-A CHARLIE” seeking WHOEVER THAT CUTE short blonde girl was that I walked back to her dorm. I think her name was Brandy? Mandy? Maybe Jessica? I never got your number. Or last name. Or major. Meet me at Chick-Fil-A again next Tuesday; I’ll be wearing some kind of denim, probably. Might be in khakis.
- DEMOCRAT seeking DEMOCRAT. Nothing romantic, just making sure I’m not the only one. E-mail lonelyliberal@harding.edu.
- EMO_BOY_182 seeking BREAK-UP. I’m trying to write my sad whiny emo songs but my life is actually going pretty good right now, so I need a girl to be really mean to me for a while and then break up with me. I’m the kinda-long-haired guy in the faded t-shirt with the badly tuned acoustic guitar; I’ll be on the front lawn moping under a tree.
- CATHCART GIRL seeking CONE GUY interested in getting married and living off campus. I don’t like my roommate. Just come to the lobby, I’ll be waiting.
- BOY seeking GIRL. My standards are pretty low. Dial 8453.
- DUDE seeking CHICKS, yes, that’s with an s, as in plural. I didn’t start dating until I got to Harding, so I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Don’t worry about finding me, I’ll find you.
- WOMAN seeking BOY. Some people say I’m high maintenance, but their opinion doesn’t really matter now, does it? Of course not. You agree with me, don’t you? Of course you do. I expect to be taken to dinner and a movie in Little Rock at least once a week, and every third week a live performance in Memphis with dinner at a coat-and-tie restaurant. On bi-monthly anniversaries, you can pick where we go: Dallas or St. Louis. I say bi-monthly simply because reservations do fill up quickly. We won’t watch action movies, comedies that don’t star Reese Witherspoon, or anything involving space ships. No hamburgers, Taco Bell, pizza, Chinese food, buffalo wings, or anything under $20 per plate. All in all, I’m just a little angel looking for a sweetheart! E-mail kissykisskiss@icicle.com
- GUY seeking OTHER GIRL to replace GIRL for OTHER GUY. Guy 1 (me) is roommates with Guy 2 (him). Girl 1 (her) is current girlfriend of Guy 2 (him). Girl 1 (demon princess) is really bad for Guy 2 (spineless wimp), so Guy 1 (I) want to get Girl 2 (you) to meet Guy 2 (him) and somehow wrestle Guy 2 (hopelessly whipped) away from Girl 1 (the dark one). Mail HU Box 14613 with picture, name, and short bio, I’ll contact you.
- LONELY GIRL seeking PERFECT GUY. I’m an internationally renowned supermodel who just happens to be a fully trained chef; you’re a big, burly comic book collector with a passion for James Bond movies. I’m irresistibly attracted to Hawaiian shirts and 3-day stubble; you’re an avid Cartoon Network fan who can quote Monty Python skits to no end. I love a man who drives a beat-up Suburban almost as old as I am; you’re convinced that Spring Sing would be better if it featured Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. Where are you, my perfect man? E-mail me at keepondreamingfatboy@yeahright.com
So, there you have it, I guess. I hope I’ve helped at least one of you out there move towards a happier life with a new somebody special at your side. For the rest of you, well, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and sardines are only 79¢ at Wal-Mart.
I’ve got to write an e-mail real quick. See you next time!