tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51996772011-04-21T18:41:33.886-05:00Stuff I WriteHi, I'm Aaron Rushton. Almost everybody I know either wants to shoot me or wants to hug me. And at times, both.Aaronnoreply@blogger.comBlogger341100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-53494542489283190392007-04-04T01:26:00.000-05:002007-04-04T01:27:11.674-05:00The Sales Pitchby Aaron RushtonStepping out of the shower, he cursed the phone and whoever was on the other end. Clichés become cliché for a reason. Shampoo was beginning to seep into his eyes, and the dog was eagerly lapping up as much of the water dripping from the master’s naked buttocks as possible. The cat was, of course, not as interested in the water as he was the new toys dangling in Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-45236713627004283322007-04-04T01:25:00.000-05:002007-04-04T01:26:39.409-05:0055 word storyThe blood had turned the bandages from sterile white to foul ruby. Tufts of dark golden fur still clung to his uniform, now lying in strips on the table next to the bed. The ranger’s wife, drunk with worry, only said “What an awful time to find out he didn’t have a sense of puma.”Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-44684560389239579272007-04-04T01:24:00.000-05:002007-04-04T01:25:47.233-05:00An Open Letter to my Ex-Ex-Ex GirlfriendIt’s been what, two or three years now?I still remember that thing you dowhen you smilewhere you bite your lipand try to avoid my eyes.I’ve forgotten my old address,I always lose my keys,and I forget that my parentseven have birthdays.But those ten digits(plus a 1 if I’m calling from home)won’t leave my mind,no matter how politely I ask.We couldn’t last. I Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-54112110751901566842007-04-04T01:17:00.000-05:002007-04-04T01:24:10.862-05:00The DriftI keep both eyes fixed on the roadand my hands are latched on the wheel.I see the starsI hear the whineI feel the roadI fear the drift.Clarksville will be what takes my lifedespite my love of greasy food.The motor humsradio singsthe windows foghere comes the drift.Freezing night air keeps me aliveany warmth is my enemy.I blink a mileI dread sharp curvesWas that a cop?Not drunk, just Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1126073867199284422005-09-06T23:16:00.000-05:002005-09-07T01:17:47.206-05:00RascalityAs I was packing up at the end of my 8th semester at Harding, Drew came in.This semester had not been typical. This semester was filled with new friendships becoming strong ones in the matter of a few short months. This semester was filled with friendships from the semester before becoming even stronger. This semester was filled with countless late nights devoted to many things other Aaronnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1125678974355274342005-09-02T11:35:00.000-05:002005-09-09T15:09:44.896-05:00With gas prices predicted to reach a record high of 7 bajillion dollars per gallon by the end of this year, Americans all over America (insert: the country) are asking “What can I do to save money on gas?”Well, nobody asked me, but I’ve got smart-alecky answers anyway. Who am I?I’m Aaron Rushton. I’m your humor columnist.A lot of fuss has been made lately about alternative fuel sources, as if Aaronnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1114633958599327712005-04-27T15:32:00.000-05:002005-04-27T15:32:38.600-05:00I heard the funniest joke the other day, and I want to tell it to all of you. You can repeat this when you go home for the summer. Here goes: “A man walked into a bar, feeling pretty lonely. Then he drank himself dangerously close to oblivion, trying to solve his problems by drowning in a bottle, causing serious damage to not only his liver but also his spirit.” OK, so Aaronnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1113810020449881202005-04-18T02:36:00.000-05:002005-04-18T02:41:27.456-05:00Hey there, loyal readers! And just so you don’t feel left out, hello to you, also, not-at-all-loyal readers! It’s nice to know that if my back’s up against the wall, you certainly won’t be there to bail me out.This week’s column was going to be an in-depth analysis of the mysteries of the relationships, both professional and romantic, between members of 70’s funk & soul powerhouse Average White Aaronnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1112059781412774972005-03-28T19:29:00.000-06:002005-03-29T02:15:40.050-06:00Capitalizing on TrendsSo, I don’t know if you’ve been watching it any, but I’ve noticed that lately there has been a rash of poker shows on TV. And I’ve also found that Hastings has felt the need to put a big poker display right in the front of the store, just so you can’t miss it when you walk in. And I’ve also noticed that almost everybody thinks they’re a poker professional now, playing onlineAaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1108676721974836902005-02-17T15:41:00.000-06:002005-02-17T15:45:21.980-06:00This was edited down to one-half of its original length because of space. Honestly, when you give a guy a column, can't you just tell somebody whining over something in last week's paper to shut up? Happy belated Valentine’s Day! You know what that means, don’t you? It means that 2005 has got a firm grip on reality and probably isn’t going anywhere for the next ten months Aaronnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1107042583569700842005-01-29T17:47:00.000-06:002005-01-30T16:07:34.286-06:00Family loss is not the end
This article isn’t going to be funny.
I don’t like disappointing my audiences, though, so I’ll at least give you a joke, and if you feel like skipping the rest of the article, that’s perfectly OK.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
“Ah, dang, I lost my tractor.”
OK, this is where it starts beingAaronnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1102825768043935052004-12-11T22:17:00.000-06:002004-12-14T00:57:14.786-06:00Holiday Sesason brings mix of pleasure, pain
Well, it is once again upon us. We are now flung head-first into the time of year that is absolutely the most stressful thing we ever have to go through. Our teeth are chattering, our nails are chewed to nubs, our nerves are shot, and it’s all we can do to choke down one more cup of hot chocolate to take the edge off of the tension. We’re up late, we’Aaronnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1102106711698433172004-12-03T14:43:00.000-06:002004-12-03T14:46:54.896-06:00Running on empty
OK, I’ll be entirely honest with you.
I am straight up dry for inspiration for this article. I have no idea what to write about. I’m completely drawing blanks.
Have you ever had just a great big mental emptiness where you feel like ought to be all sorts of creative, clever, insightful, witty, sharp things? I’m there right now.
What to do, what to do, what to do…
I don’t know Aaronnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1100242572111760222004-11-12T01:53:00.000-06:002004-11-12T01:01:46.073-06:00Lulled to sleep by the stars
I hate watching movies with my dad.
I love my father very much, and I’m incredibly grateful for the fact that he did indeed bring me into this world. I imagine that my life would be a great deal less substantial had my father not been around.
But that does not diminish the fact that I hate watching movies with my dad.
Aaronnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1098460296792931652004-10-22T10:48:00.000-05:002004-10-22T10:51:36.793-05:00Big pain, little gain I am in a world of pain.
The saying goes “No pain, no gain”, and I find myself wondering if there is a directly proportional relationship between pain and gain. If there is, I ought to wake up tomorrow morning looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger back in the 80’s.
Perhaps I should enlighten you as to what has blessed me with this ridiculous Aaronnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1097604642100035252004-10-12T13:04:00.000-05:002004-10-12T13:10:42.100-05:00Italics means edit. I think I got everything, but I'm not sure... They cut a lot.The World Wide Waste The internet is really, really, really big.
The internet is also really, really, really stupid.
That’s pretty much all I’ve learned since 1998. I’ve used EarthLink, I’ve used AOL, I’ve used Sprint, I’ve used Juno, and I’ve used about 15 different internet Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1095397313411719592004-09-16T23:58:00.000-05:002004-09-18T14:12:33.666-05:00Welcome back. Italics means edited. Feast your eyes upon the glory.
Giving lessons on laughter
(Note: To achieve the proper effect I’m going for with the following paragraph, I need you to do me a favor and imagine thick rolling fog, red and blue lasers shooting up from the floor, and a screaming electric guitar solo.)
Welcome to Harding University Fall 2004! Woo!
(OK, I’m done; you can turn Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1083333240921293672004-04-30T08:54:00.000-05:002004-09-18T14:13:26.850-05:00Getting older does not mean growing up
Well, it’s 2004, I’m 20 years old, and I don’t have any superpowers. By the standards of the 5-year old Aaron from 1989, I’m a complete failure.
Seriously, I figured that by this time I would at least be one of the Ghostbusters, or would have personally acquainted myself with Voltron.
Want to know something that’s really throwing me off-balance? Things I Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1080722448746298382004-03-31T02:40:00.000-06:002004-09-18T14:18:14.850-05:00Spring Sing is fine time for rhyme
If you’re just here for Spring Sing, this is a funny thing. I was going to do an article about a helium particle, but my study of the matter left me mad as a hatter. I thought it might be funny to do some gags about money, but then I came to realize I’m very fiscally unwise.
So now, like some Muppet song, I’m just moving right along. Thoughts of stories flood Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1078305266483536082004-03-03T03:14:00.000-06:002004-09-18T14:17:47.570-05:00It's been a really long time since I've had to say it, so here's a reminder. If it's in italics, it was edited from the final release of the paper.
As far as scents go, Aaron 'nose'
Let's face it: unless he has an untrained dog, no man is completely willingly going to buy an air freshener. You may be asking yourself why this is so. Well fret not, gentle reader! Your Harding University Bison's Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1076432658176757062004-02-10T11:04:00.000-06:002004-09-18T14:17:41.396-05:00Lack of sleep causes columns like this
I can’t sleep.
I am very tired, but sleep continues to elude me, like… like a very elusive thing.
I am so tired I can’t even come up with metaphors and similes.
I’ve reached that point in the night where I don’t even blink anymore. I’m so tired I’m starting to lose muscle control in my eyes, so the screen will occasionally blur out of focus and I can’r rellAaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1075451587382552992004-01-30T02:33:00.000-06:002004-09-18T14:17:34.216-05:00New foreign campus a HUMDINGER
It's 2004 and (much to the chagrin of Jack Van Impe Ministries and the rest of the TBN Prime-Time lineup) we're still here.
I have no problem with the fact that God chose to tarry a bit longer, mind you. Nor would I be too drastically upset if He decided to do the big eternal trumpet blast now.
Or now. Like now-now.
Now... onto the article.
First off I’d like to Aaronnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1071199158974257032003-12-11T21:19:00.000-06:002004-09-18T14:17:27.830-05:00Apologies and time machines hard to come by
This article probably isn’t going to be that funny, just so you know.
Well, OK, it will be funny, but that’s just because I can’t write anything serious for more than two sentences. However, this article is not being written with the express reason of being funny. So, for those of you who only read my articles for funny stuff, I present to you a joke.
Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1068781303984413882003-11-13T21:41:00.000-06:002004-09-18T14:17:20.526-05:00Children are source of laughter, snack
This is not an easy job. Can I just say that up front? I don’t know what you might have been thinking about the life of a humor columnist for a student newspaper, but I can assure you, this is not all popsicles and rainbows.
Funny-on-demand is a bit tricky, even for a guy like me. “But Aaron”, you might be saying to yourself and perhaps to some sort of Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1068243630425136592003-11-07T16:20:00.000-06:002004-09-18T14:17:07.820-05:00While at first I thought this article was completely unedited, it turned out I was wrong. The one edit was due to a lack of "professionalism". Honestly, people, if you give Aaron J. Rushton a column in a paper, you just kissed professionalism bye-bye.
The spice of life: An addiction gone too far?
capsaicin
Pronunciation: kap-'sA-&-s&n
: a colorless irritant phenolic amide C18H27NO3 that gives Aaronnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1067980590759136242003-11-04T15:16:00.000-06:002004-09-07T13:52:03.676-05:00If I were to stick with the italic edit thing, this whole article would be in italics. It never saw the Bison.
What you are about to read is true. These are actual letters from an unnamed source between a former student and his parents. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. If there are small children present, or if you have a heart condition, please, do not read this article. If Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1066406762431749152003-10-17T11:06:00.000-05:002004-09-18T14:16:37.070-05:00Italicized is editized.
The one, the only, the original
I will be the first to admit that there are certainly times where it is very difficult to be a single guy at Harding University. Not difficult as in “Man, I can’t keep the girls off me with a stick”, but more in the “Well, once again it’s a Friday night of cafeteria food by myself” sense. And that, my dear audience, is a sad Friday night.
Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1064606918881222152003-09-26T15:08:00.000-05:002004-09-18T14:16:31.223-05:00Again, italics means edit.
‘Fanboy’ defends his passion, addiction
In case you don’t pay attention, or don’t know me, or for whatever reason you don’t know (space edit), I’m what is called a “fanboy”. I have an addiction. I’m talking about my pastime. I’m talking about my sole reason for earning a paycheck. I’m talking about sequential graphic storytelling. I’m talking about spandex literature.Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-1064007149722739492003-09-19T16:32:00.000-05:002004-09-18T14:16:14.603-05:00This is my final version of the first article I submitted to The Bison for this year. Anything in italics was removed by the Bison editorial staff or some higher-up after my submission. (Added Monday, September 22: I also wrote in why each bit was edited, just so you know.)
‘Vexillology’ not a word for the weak
Have you ever heard the expression “as dangerous as giving a toddler a loaded gun”? Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-928533072003-04-18T14:39:00.000-05:002004-09-07T13:54:41.286-05:00Rich Dead Guy Provides Rides for Tots
Robert T.F. Ho was the owner of Quick Stop Laundry on Millbank Road up until two days ago. Then Mr. Ho died. So, now that Mr. Ho has seen so kindly as to remove himself from the picture, it’s OK for us to talk about him behind his back.
According to the widow Mrs. Ho, “Robert always enjoyed watching the kids play in the park across the street. He felt sorry Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-921729582003-04-07T15:57:00.000-05:002004-09-07T13:54:57.040-05:00Mafia Love
So you want to date my daughter,
You worthless little slob…
Youse better treat her good,
Her poppa’s in da mob.
Everything will be just fine
If you treat little Sofia right.
If you do not, then Tony here,
Will be at your house in the middle of the night.
Keep your hands unto yourself
That is where they should be.
If you so much as touch my daughter,
I’ll string you up from a tree.
AndAaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-912921472003-03-24T13:26:00.000-06:002004-09-07T14:17:44.706-05:00Here's the second Harbin Devo I did, simply titled "More":
I don’t know about all of you, but I cannot stand having just a little bit of something when I know there’s more to be had. Call me a greedy pig, but hey, if I’ve got one slice of that coconut cream pie, you’d better believe I want more of it.
I’m like that with God, too. I leave my Bible classes with my head hurting and my soul yearningAaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-912918972003-03-24T13:21:00.000-06:002004-09-07T14:16:01.540-05:00Here's the Superhero Devo:
On a rural farm in Smallville, Kansas, young Clark Kent discovered a glowing green crystal that explained why he was blessed with extraordinary powers like flight, speed, strength, really-hot-vision, and see-thru-vision. This glowing chunk of rock told him that he was destined to be the biggest dork to ever put on tights and a cape and become the Last Son of Krypton… Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5199677.post-912917332003-03-24T13:18:00.000-06:002004-09-18T14:15:50.310-05:00This page is for the sole purpose of letting all of you read the stuff that I write, or the stuff that I say, or whatever, if you wouldn't normally have a chance to do so otherwise. Even if you would, and you just want to hear it again... Here it is anyway.
I'm going to put up my Manliness article first.
Manliness charactized by more than rough exterior
There’s something to be said for a guy Aaronnoreply@blogger.com0